A Short Story on Receiving Kindness in the Office

I work at a relatively small office located on two floors of a building. Recently, I work more on the 2nd floor, but I used to work on the 1st and still work on both floors interchangeably. Nevertheless, I always grab coffee on the 1st, where Pak R, one of our security guards is.

Pak R is one of the friendliest security guards I’ve ever known. He greets everyone with a smile and does the extra mile of remembering people’s name. He stays in the office from 7 am to 5 pm-ish and everyday he patiently stands up and sits down in front of the office without complaining. He seems generally happy (he has a pretty good balance of time dedicated to his family, community, doing sports, etc.) and he is wise. I enjoy listening to his wisdom whenever I get a chance. 

*please excuse this limited footage lol

There was this one memorable day I recall. I don’t remember what day it was nor what happened in that week. But I remember starting that morning feeling exhausted with no mood to work, maybe because I was stressed in that week. I was grabbing coffee from the pantry when Pak R offered me “Pisang Rebus (boiled banana)” that his wife made and it made my day. I was speechless and in awe as I thought nothing could excite a gloomy weekday as I didn't have a good start of the day and the outlook of the day seems to only be work.

Hmm.. funny how this universe works. It seems that it is not entitled to granting all our wishes by design/default (e.g. If we lock ourselves in a cave, nothing might happen to us). However, we are somehow exposed to possibilities of experiencing “change” from one state to another, no matter how small/big it is. Be it from good to great, from being young to old, from feeling happy to sad, from being rich to poor, etc.

Anyway, two things that I learn from that day. First, simple acts of kindness can have a big impact or so-called “change” from my state of bad mood/sad to being cheered up and energized throughout the day. I was reminded that kindness does not always come in expensive gifts/hampers, treats in fancy restaurants, but can come in simple ways with a genuine intention and a sincere heart. Hence, it can be done by anyone and at anytime.

Second, I want to notice and treasure the small and simple things everyday. I think big achievements and the big sacrifices one would seem obvious. We will appreciate it anyway, but apparently those are outliers and don’t come regularly. So fortunately, IF the simple things are sufficient, we will no longer have to rely on some astonishing dramatic accomplishment to be able to be in our "happy" state when things go south :) 

What Being a Teaching Assistant Teaches Me

I have finally finished my undergraduate studies last August! My last two posts had discussed some of the challenges I faced like graduating later than expected, rejected for master's, and being burned out. This time, I would like to share one of my favourite memories during my studies. Hope you enjoy reading it.

Background: A little bit about me 

I wanted to have one experience of being a teaching assistant (TA). One selfish underlying motive is to improve my speaking skills. By luck, I got an opportunity to become one in my fourth (final) year. I was ecstatic about it, but nervous as well. First, I had no experience of explaining my course materials/teaching my peers in university. Usually, students ask questions to (or revise with) the smart ones in class. Am I the smart one? Nope… I'm the one asking questions, lol! Second, public speaking has always been one of my weaknesses. Before presenting or talking to a group of audience, I usually feel very anxious and nervous. Sometimes, it goes to an extreme that I panic and forget what I have to say. 

 

Therefore, having no teaching experience and poor public speaking skills meant that I need extra preparations.

 

The Preparation

There were six things that I had to do or prepare each week:

1. Material revision

I was assigned to be the TA for the course Microeconometrics since I took a similar class before. However, the gap between the course I took and the TA-ship was around 5 months apart. In between, I did my seminar course, my thesis, and had my holiday. Unfortunately, the course materials were already mixed-up. Hence, I attended all lectures, revised my notes, referred back to the book and lecture slides, and tried to figure things out. Basically, it feels like I'm more of a student than a TA.

2. Tutor presentation slides

It was the first year that the Econometrics course is split into two and this is one part of it. Back then, there were no tutorial slides as a guideline. Even if there were, I would have preferred to make my own anyway to keep it relevant and updated. Besides, this is a great practice for me as well to "structure" the materials and incorporate my own thoughts and ideas in it.

3. Assignment corrections

Most obvious task. There were weekly assignments and I was in charge of grading them. 

4. Stata Codes for Simulation

Besides the weekly assignments, the students had to conduct their group research project. To ensure that they perform well in their project, they need to be equipped with some experience in Stata, a statistical software. In fact, understanding the concepts should also be complemented with some knowledge of reading the data because it's actually also fun to apply it to some practical examples that they can see/relate to their daily lives!

 

5. Question Hour: Once a week is enough

The professor suggested to set up question hours. I was excited about it because as a student, I felt that QHs are VERY useful. For example, in class and during tutors, I used to have some questions in my head. I asked some in class but I realized that asking too much might annoy others as it will delay the agenda. Okay, it can also be an excuse, I'm shy to speak up as well! So, I think that having QH will facilitate students with the same issues.

I set up two question hours each week for the students to consult their research project or if they have follow-up questions on the lecture materials. However, in total, there were only around 5 students out that ever came for a QH, only 2 regularly came! I think there were 32ish students in the course, my tutorial attendance is around 15 and only 5 ever came to the QH. Well actually, the professor of this course is very intelligent and he's an excellent teacher. So, I'm just going to keep it positive that the poor QH attendance rate was because everyone was clear already! But anyway, I never saw anyone come twice a week. So, if I could do things differently, I would have done it once a week.

6. Practice, practice, practice: Optional

As earlier mentioned, I had 0 teaching experience. Every week, I had the same worry. I knew what I needed to explain but I had no idea of how. For example, I wanted to have a discussion on A, B, C. Will that suit the time with the Stata simulation? Should there be a brief introduction or jump straight to A? Will starting with A be too easy? Too hard? If it's too easy, people are going to get bored. If it's too hard, people are going to get lost throughout the session. Life is full of choices and dilemmas, indeed.

So, I reiterated different scenarios and practiced in front of a mirror with my phone stopwatch LOL. In my mind, teaching was supposed to be spontaneous. I have had TAs and professors that were excellent! Their words flowed like water. They were passionate in what they do so I was so inspired as I could feel their positive energy and learning spirit. Meanwhile, in reality it's not as easy as it seemed! I was worried about what am I going to do and say with my one-hour?!

P.s. If you're wondering what a first-timer looks like, I'll give you an example of my little secret weapon: I wrote down the "details" on what I had to say each week: 

The Teaching

No matter how much I prepared, I actually did terrible in the first session. Each session was supposed to last for an hour. However, I stretched the one-hour to 1.5 hour with the awkward pauses and still could not cover the materials needed. I felt disappointed because I thought that I prepared enough. In fact, it was supposed to be the easiest amongst the other materials because it were introductory chapters. But, I screwed up, felt insecure, and just hoped that people did not regret for coming.

 

As time passed, I think I gradually improved. Here and there, of course I was still nervous and far from perfect. However, I started to gain confidence and not regret too much on my mistakes. I tried to keep in mind that there's another week, another chance to improve, so it's easier to move-on! After all, it turned out to be OK. When I can't answer someone's question, I just say that I'm not sure so I'll get back to the person via email. When there are questions I can't answer, I just ask the professor. When I realised I put something wrong, I just correct it and announce it via group/email. If people don't want to come or, it's simply up to them.

 

However, I have to admit that there were two key challenges I faced. First was to concentrate and stay focused. I needed to keep track on the time and ensure that I could fulfil the agenda of the day. Interesting questions would come up and it's nice to have a conversation or discussion. But, there were time constraints so sometimes the agenda needs to be improvised and I could not finish on time. Further, I also got easily distracted when some are not paying attention or talk with their neighbour. Another feeling was that I'm not even sure whether I am explaining in the right way, whether people are understanding or lost.

 

Second was to be consistent every week. Some weeks I can be more prepared than the other weeks because I also had other classes (with the assignments) and mood changes like the weather. Staying professional was easier said than done. There were days that I just didn't have it in me to talk in front of a group of people or feel like I'm not good enough yet, but I had no choice because it was already time for the tutorial. Thankfully, I'm only doing this for one course otherwise I'll get stressed. Now you can imagine TAs or professors who teach several courses, even school teachers who teach the entire day, WOW so much respect for them.

 

What I felt and What I learned

1. Teaching does not require you to be the smartest because it requires you to learn

2. Curiosity drives curiosity: Be excited and ask

This experience came with a balance of ups and downs. The ups were the times when I saw students taking notes, asking questions during the tutorials or in person, spotting my mistakes. It made me feel that they were paying attention and interested in knowing more. On top of all of that, it made me learn. When someone asked, there were questions that I didn't think of before. So after the tutorial, I had to look it up to get back to them. In that case, I also learned from their questions. This is what made the experience interesting. Sure I have lost a lot of competitions and learned from it, failed to get the grades I wanted and learned from it. But this is the best! I get to continuously learn and improve on a weekly basis.

The downs were definitely when I felt that I didn't do well in some of the sessions. As I mentioned before, being consistent was a challenge for me. There were times that I didn't prepare enough so I was very nervous throughout the tutorial and people look confused. I tried to repeat it or reassured them that they can always ask. But I had this feeling of letting myself down because I wasted everyone's time. It's the feeling when you were given a responsibility and trust, but didn't do well. 

3. Teaching requires a lot of focus and dedication: Being consistent despite all odds

I realised that being a teacher means showing empathy for others: Trying to understand what they need, trying to understand why they don't understand, dealing with people with different personalities. It is no easy job. It is a combination of both hard/technical skills because you need to understand what you're teaching.. and soft skills because you need to know on how are you going to teach it and deal with the class. And, do it at the same time with the same or improved standard each week.

 

4. Do not judge a book by its cover

In some point in life, everyone might encounter teachers, TAs, or lecturers who are just new to their job. I can imagine that some of them are talented and already excel in their job starting in their early days, some need to struggle. Now that I had a taste of being in a position, I think that it's important to give everyone a chance to learn. You'll never know how they prepared, so the least you can do to appreciate their effort is to pay attention. If they are not clear, just tell them nicely to repeat and give them another chance.

 

I was very lucky that the people in my tutorials were nice and tolerant. Even when I am less clear, they would just stop me and ask nicely to repeat or come to me to check their understanding. Sometimes I panic in class when I said something and people looked puzzled. I tried to look chill but deep inside I'm likee…. PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME HOW TO EXPLAIN THIS. But anyway, since they asked to repeat, they were giving me a second chance to try again and find other ways to explain.

5. Being a TA is the most rewarding experience throughout my uni, GO FOR IT!

I am not an excellent TA, far from my expectations but still, I am grateful for this opportunity. Did I improve my speaking skills? Definitely! If my students think I didn't do well, let me tell you that I was worse before. But on top of that, this experience comes with A LOT OF precious and important lessons that alter a lot of my perspectives on teaching, teachers, and education. I will cherish them for the rest of my life. 

So, last, I just want to let you know that I owed a lot of people: I owed the professor who gave me this opportunity. I owed my students who dealt with me and gave me a chance to test, fail, and learn. Without all of them, I will remain talking to a mirror with a stopwatch, thank you :)

Burnout: An Unfinished Journey

In the past year, I have treated my body and mind unfairly. My mind kept telling me to grab the opportunities I get and I should work hard and harder because I'm never good enough. My body supported it, but sometimes it told me to stop. I ignored it until it stopped me by force. So here it is, I would like to share two of my burnouts and how I hope to change for the better.

 

Burnout #1: My thesis and exam

I think that my worst burnout was in my third year of university. I was doing my fifth and final block (a 2 month-period) in the Netherlands before returning to Indonesia. There were three essays to write, an exam to study, and a thesis to finish. I had done four blocks already in that year, each of them draining a lot of energy. So the mindset I had was to just give everything I got and finish the best I can.  

 

It all started well. I passed the first essay, but as always, I had the idea that I should have done more because there were rooms for improvement. So, I put more effort for the second and even more for the third (in the end, I put too much that it becomes unclear, based on the feedback). The same goes with my thesis. I revised everyday and my thesis progress went according to my timeline. My thesis supervisor was okay with my first two chapters, so I put more effort because it seemed like the "right track."

 

Juggling a lot of things at once, wanting to do my best, I started to lose control. On top of that, my studying hours escalated each block. In the first block, I was off during weekends, only slept late before exams. The results were not bad, could be better, so I tried to improve just in case hard work (positively) correlates with result. In the next blocks, I started to let go my weekends and studied hard everyday. There were even moments when I could joke to people that my studying hours were like the library opening hours, and people can know where to find me (library floor -1, corner). This became an unhealthy habit as I started to "get used" to this routine. I knew I was tired but I am just too used to it to the point that I failed to realize how this toxic slowly accumulated.

 

The time bomb exploded. The exam day came and I had a flu, perhaps from not getting enough rest. In the previous block, I was also sick during the exam so I had faith that I could still manage. However, the result of the third essay came right before the exam. I opened it on my phone in the exam room. I saw a "6", and it counted for 30% of my final grade. My thoughts were everywhere. I had an unfinished thesis. And how can I pass this course? I had a poor preparation for the exam the night before because I was ill. So, I was initially hoping that I could rely on this essay to help me pass the course in case I failed the exam, but it turned out that it's not even helping. My exam was basically over before it even started. I literally cried during the exam. It was like the perfect combination of a runny nose, a headache, and a clouded vision. I could not even read the exam questions well, let alone understand the questions, as I wasted a lot of time getting myself together. Time kept running, people started to submit their exams, I started to panic and it's just a mess. It was just the longest three-hour in my life.

 

After the exam, the UGM (my home university) students had plans to take group pictures together. Everyone had finished earlier, I was the last one (I left the exam room when the time's up). I felt horrible that I didn't even want to be in the picture. I was in a bad shape and ashamed because I knew that I had a risk of not only failing the exam, but also failing to finish my studies (I have to pass all exams to pass my studies, I could do a resit/retest, but I just don't have it in me already). I went straight home and I couldn't stop crying over the night. It was the worst day in the year. 

 

In the next days, I felt too exhausted to do anything. I get tired more easily because I didn't even want to do my thesis anymore. Hence, the hours in front of my laptop became even more unproductive, I procrastinated a lot, stretched my thesis timeline and kept on delaying my progress. I submitted whatever progress I had and during the consultation, my thesis supervisor knew something was wrong. The exact words that I could never forget was when he said "Where is the Myrna standard?" as he pointed out flaws and highlighted corrections in my thesis. I knew that I lost myself. I had to step up but I was too tired already.

 

Tired of studying. I didn't want to take any resit. Tired of the thesis. I just did what I can, got it done, and I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to get sleep and do nothing. It didn't end well and took some time to get better. 

 

 

Burnout #2: My final internship days

I got lucky for landing an internship opportunity. It was very unexpected because I did not pass any resume/CV screening before this one. Not even called back for a test or an interview. Long-short story, the one I got was in a company in the FMCG industry. Honestly, it is out of my league. I pretty much have forgotten what I learned in my first-semester "Introduction to Business" class. My boss even had to write down the basic business 101 formulas on a whiteboard because I kept mixing up the terms.  

 

I knew that I had to work hard because I did not want to let my boss down. I owed him and the company for taking a leap of faith in giving me a chance, despite my flaws. If they wanted someone smart or experienced, they could have just hired someone else. Because apparently, for someone who didn't really do anything much back in university (read as: inexperienced nerd lol), this was a rocky transition. I used to be with textbooks, equations, graphs, studies, theories, research, etc. Yesterday, I was still taking classes like Central Banking and Energy Economics, and the next day: Here you go. A business project. Present something to the country CEO and some board of directors in one month. I was excited about this journey as everyday I had a steep learning curve. But learning comes with a lot of failures, as you can imagine. I got overwhelmed along the way, struggled a lot, made countless mistakes, and always felt like I was behind. The environment and people were very nice and supportive, but it made me even feel guiltier that I could not give anything in return.

 

I was lucky enough that this time I had more control of my physical health. However, I still put long hours and again, it escalated day by day. Whenever I feel sleepy or tired, I thought that I'm not going to get it finished if I rest. Sometimes I slept at 1, worked at weekends. They were very unproductive hours. At times, I could just stare at my computer screen but didn't get anything done. However, I kept on insisting that I could at least get "something" done if I worked. Little did I know that this started to mentally consume me and I had no control of this.

 

Two days before the final presentation, I practiced presenting the slides in front of my boss and mentor. As I received comments and inputs on the slides, I broke down. They had good intentions but I was too tired already at that point. I felt very disconnected and could not take any feedbacks well anymore. I got emotional and the practice stopped. It was very unprofessional and embarrassing. I started to lose my motivation of striving and keeping my persistence. The next day was the day before the final presentation, I did not even touch or revise the slides anymore. I just doze off and presented the next day to the best I could.

 

What have worked for me: Fixing my physical health and some of my mental health

The Burnout #1 experience was probably my turning point of change. After returning back to Indonesia, I think I improved a lot in terms of my physical health. And because I started to make myself "busy" to look after myself more, I sacrificed some of my studying/working hours, which led to less burnout. Thankfully, I never had a burnout as bad as Burnout #1 ever since, with both deteriorating physical health and unsustainable mental health. Here are some of the things I do now:

 

1. Prepare my food and eat healthy

During burnout #1, I started my mornings with some croissants and coffee that I bought. I don't skip breakfasts but I always look for the most instant option in everything I do because I want to study/do tasks more. Now, I have a routine of spending some time to prepare breakfast (cooking oatmeal, cutting fruits, toasting some bread). First, this helps me to waste time and distract me, but in a positive way because I need to eat anyway. Otherwise, I'll jump straight to work. Second, this gave me the sense that "I am actually taking care of myself." 

2. Back to reading and writing (Doing my hobby)

In my free time, I don't stay quite anymore except when I'm sleeping. Previously, whenever I stop for a while, I thought the best way was to keep quite. But it usually doesn't hold long, I tend to start thinking of all the list of things in my head and I have to urge to start working again. As a result, I have stopped writing and seldomly read for years. So, now, I am happy that I am back to reading and writing :) This distracts me a lot from work because I love doing it anyway.

3. Healthier options: Consume fruits and hot ginger

I used to look for instant options like chips or instant noodles for snacks because I feel like I'm busy and I don't have time. Now, I have stopped consuming them and swap them with more fruits. This becomes my short break, I like cutting my fruits, preparing some hot ginger/chocolate and distract myself with my phone for a while :D  

 

Result: I am now more physically healthy, and more mentally sane as I started going back to reading and writing! (In uni, I got sick like every 2 months. Either bad sore throat, flu, and it usually takes a week for me to recover, now: 0 times getting sick in the past four months! When I start to feel unwell, I just take preventive actions such as taking vitamins, drinking hot ginger, and sleep earlier)

 

What I learned: Burnout is my internal issue

1. My perspective on progress

My problem 101 is that I have the idea that I am never good enough. Hence, I used to think that progress means that I am better than myself yesterday. I don't really compare myself to others but I have the urge to get better at something. But most of the time, it's too much that I am too hard on myself lol. I tend to normalize my tiredness and justify it as if "my hard work will pay off so I should work harder." In the end, I did not work smart, leading to inefficient time wasted and counterproductive results. If it works for you, then it's great. Unfortunately, it didn't work for me.

2. Trying to please others

I have a tendency to assume what others expect from me, when they did not. But I just can't differentiate whether it's my assumption or it's real because I'm too tired already. And usually when I get tired, I could not think straight. But when I get stressed, people around me became concerned. In the end, I think I could have saved everyone's day by keeping myself sane. Sometimes we do not need to please anyone because they don't even expect to be pleased lol.  

3. I try to understand others and myself more 

The thing I regret the most was not showing enough empathy to others. I think some people might actually feel pressured from working with me. I tend to ask people to revise and revise, but who knows they might feel burnout themselves too. I mean, everyone has their own capacity. And if I'm still not satisfied, I would take over the job and do it myself. I feel sorry that people don't feel appreciated enough when they have done their best and I feel sorry for myself that I might have also put myself into stress too because of these minor things. 

 

What I start/need to do

Having had Burnout #2, I know that this issue has not been resolved yet. Got plenty of homework to do!

1. My perspective on progress: I want to start comparing myself now to myself tomorrow

Instead of hoping and thinking of whether my hard work did pay off now, I want to start comparing myself yesterday vs myself now vs myself tomorrow. Yes, of course I still want to work hard but I'll start to re-evaluate how hard should it be, and it should be something that bring future improvement as well. For example: If I work hard, that's good. Improvement vs myself yesterday and perhaps for the future. But if I work too hard now and get sick later? Then yes, I might or might not see progress vs myself yesterday but then that's no progress in the future. I believe this comes with experience on how hard should it be, but I'll love to test different working strategies! :D

2. Trying to please others: I set expectations to others

I still want to please others lol. And by others, I mean important stakeholders in my life. But now I just start telling people when I feel burnout or even tired/bored and ask them whether it is okay if I stop for a while and take a break. Actually, it turns out that people don't even have that "high" expectation of me. So, I think that I should more often have conversations to clarify expectations and tell people how it fits my capacity, or have that self-conversation before even diving into the next goal. E.g. We thought our parents wanted us to succeed when all they ever wanted was for us to be happy :)

 

3. Shut down more: I don't care

I could hit like 12+ studying/working hours, lol I had an unsustainable life. But I promise to listen my body (and others) more. Stop means stop. I just close and shut down.

 

End Note 

Work never ends. Dreams and hopes are never finished. But if something bad happens to me, work and dreams will permanently end. So, I guess I need to shut them (work, etc.) down before they shut me down. 

Life.

It has been almost 3 years since I posted on my blog and a lot has been happening ever since. Currently, I am a final-year student in Universitas Gadjah Mada (UGM), majoring in Economics. I took a dual-degree program, so Iast year, I spent a year in Erasmus School of Economics (ESE) and finished my thesis there. As soon as I returned from ESE, my plan was straightforward: Complete my credits and do my community service so that I can graduate on May, apply for a master’s program, and find an internship to keep myself occupied between my “planned” graduation and my “planned” master’s.

Apparently, the odds are not always in my favor. I have not graduated yet, my master’s application got rejected, and the COVID-19 pandemic happens. In the end, I went to a different path. So, in this post, I would like to share on getting rejected for master’s. This post will be divided into two parts: The story and the reflection. Hope you enjoy reading it!

Part 1: The Story

I applied to two universities.

I applied to two universities: The first is in the Netherlands, the second is in Denmark. After a long decision-making process, I finally decided to go for programs that are in the intersection of business and economics. Initially, I planned to continue studying in the Netherlands. As I have studied there for my undergraduate, a GRE or GMAT is unnecessary so I skipped them. After looking for alternatives and hearing great stories from a Danish friend who was on exchange in UGM, I became very interested to study in Denmark, especially since it has an interesting dual-master program. Besides, it would be awesome to study in a Scandinavian country renowned for its excellent education system and experience living in a country that I’ve never visited before. 

Upon my final semester, my master’s applications became my priority. I wrote and revised my motivation letters and resume everyday, studied for IELTS so that it could meet the requirement, asked for recommendation letters, and coordinated to complete my administration documents. In the end, I managed to send my applications on time.

Back then, I felt confident about my applications. I mean, let’s be honest. I am not applying to ivy leagues. I know that I don’t have the most outstanding grades nor an extraordinary profile, but (I hypothesise that) I am also not the worst. I’ve been a responsible and a cooperative student. I paid attention in classes and tutorials, submitted my assignments on time, never copied solution manuals or plagiarized someone else’s work, participated in class and group discussions, studied hard, and my CGPA meets the minimum requirement (above 3 out of 4). Isn’t this enough to get accepted and survive in a graduate school? 

I got rejected. 

Unfortunately, it’s not. Before the COVID-19 pandemic worsens, one of my applications got rejected already. I am sure that everyone has experienced rejections, so the default advice would be to move on. I have kept reminding myself to prepare for the worst. Maybe it’s just me, but when I am faced with reality, sometimes it just hits me hard man. I thought that I was prepared until I realized that I was not. It feels like all those hours preparing and countless revisions are flushed out in seconds. I was speechless. 

On the bright side, the rejection letter stated why. In order to take the program, I should have at least taken a marketing class and another accounting class. I did not take any marketing class and only took one accounting class. Those courses are offered in UGM and ESE, most of my friends took it. But, somehow, I did not take that requirement seriously. I assumed that because this is an Economics-related master’s program, studying Economics for my undergraduate is enough. I had plenty of credits that I thought could compensate the marketing and accounting requirement. So, by now, we can conclude three mistakes already:

1. I did not ask to ensure that key component and it turns out to be fatal. Had I known this since the beginning, I would have applied somewhere else. Instead, I had my hopes up high already.

2. I only applied to two universities. I am sure that there will be more rejections as I apply more, but now I could not reconsider anything as I was left with no choice. This was a mistake as I underestimated the probability of rejections and other errors I committed. Now you see that I regret for not even trying to apply to other programs. 

3. Had I planned this better, I could have taken those two classes. 

What’s next?

I can kiss graduate schools goodbye for now. As I mentioned earlier, the odds are not in my favor. If you wonder on what happens to the other application, I got a conditional offer. And the condition is that I should have my diploma sent in August and unfortunately, I have not graduated yet. Further, my parents are worried that the COVID-19 pandemic seems to have not shown apparent recovery signs yet in Indonesia. This leaves a lot of uncertainties, even after the pandemic ends. In the end, we reached a consensus that it’s not ideal for me to leave for now. Hence, I did not proceed any master’s application and cancelled my plans to apply to other universities. 

The fact that I am not leaving for master’s anyway makes this rejection seems easier for me. Perhaps you also experience this, but this far the year 2020 has been "interesting." After all, maybe this was meant to be a lesson for me. The next time I’m applying for a master’s, I will be VERY careful and considerate. But for now, goodbye master’s, see you soon graduation, and hello new journey. I know, it is completely different from what I planned, but I am too excited about it. Excelsior. 

Part 2: The reflection

This experience somehow reminds me of the “unobservable.” When we are predicting an outcome like grades or probability of success, we can control all different kinds of variables like hours of hard work, IQ, etc. But, apparently these variables are not sufficient to reach a 100% accuracy of your prediction. We still have the “unobservable,” which could not be controlled because they are supposed to be unobserved. These unobservables can be positive in a way that it improves our result, or it can also be counterproductive. LUCK, a pandemic, a bad day/mood, are some examples. So even if I meet the requirements (in which I don't), so on and so forth, it actually still does not give me a 100% guarantee that I will get accepted. However, what we can do is:

1. Do our best and improve in what we can control in order to increase our predicted outcomes like grades or probability of success. As I go on and do more attempts, there will be a better chance that I can meet my “predicted” value.

2. Minimize the impact of unobservables. E.g. keep yourself healthy so that you’re not sick on an exam day, get enough sleep so that you can concentrate in reading and understanding an application requirement hahaha

I try apply this thinking into how I perceive my results. In good days, I remind myself that I am also lucky that I was in a good mood and a good shape. In bad days, when I am sick and could not concentrate, I can be reckless and screw up. So… 

1. I don’t know if this can make you feel better. But if you ever fail, don’t worry, I have LOTS OF THEM, really. Sometimes I know why, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I think it’s fair, sometimes I feel cheated. It just happens, it can be beyond my control and it is okay. 

2. Try to minimize the impact of our unobservable or accidents. When we are unsure about something and have the opportunity to ask, do not hesitate to ask instead of making assumptions, especially when it’s an essential/fundamental thing. Whether it’s an assignment, a key concept, an application, etc., it’s always better to ask rather than making silly mistakes. We never know, there might be even rooms for negotiations or exceptions (e.g. I do not meet a particular requirement, I can ask if there is a solution/alternative for it, which I did not do)

3. Read applications requirements VERY carefully:’) This sounds trivial, but at least I made that mistake. Don’t repeat the same mistake. 

4. It’s better to plan ahead. For example, in applying for jobs or master’s, we can always plan and prepare, have a clear vision in mind. In that way, we can perhaps think of how we can improve our predicted outcomes and minimize the counterproductive unobservables. 

5. Confidence is super cool but not to the extent that it could make us underestimate and take things easily. 

A short remark on love: Everyone has their “Shining Armor”

A Reflection from The Knight in Shining Armor (in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray)  

Source: DeviantArt

Source: Amazon 

“Deep inside every man, there is a hero or a knight in shining armor. More than anything, he wants to succeed in serving and protecting the woman he loves. When he feels trusted, he is able to tap into his noble part of himself. He becomes more caring. When he doesn’t feel trusted, he loses some of his aliveness and energy, and after a while he can stop caring.

Imagine a knight in shining armor traveling through the countryside. Suddenly he hears a woman crying out in distress. He comes alive, races to her castle, where she is trapped by a dragon. The noble knight pulls out his sword and slays the dragon. As a result, he is lovingly received by the princess. As the gates open, he is welcomed and celebrated by the family of the princess and the townspeople. He is invited to live in town and is acknowledged as a hero. He and the princess fall in love.

A month later, the noble knight goes off on another trip. On his way back, he heard his beloved princess crying out for help. Another dragon attacked the castle and so as he arrived, he pulls out his sword to slay the dragon.

Before he swings, the princess cries out from the tower, “Don’t use your sword, use this noose. It will work better.” She throws him the noose and motions to him instructions about how to use it. In the end, the dragon dies and everyone rejoices. At the celebration dinner, the knight feels he didn’t do anything. Somehow, because he used her noose and didn’t use his sword, he doesn’t quite feel worthy of the town’s trust and admiration. After the event, he is slightly depressed and forgets to shine his armor.

A month later he goes on yet another trip. As he leaves with his sword, the princess reminds him to be careful and tells him to take the noose. On his way home, he sees yet another dragon attacking the castle. This time he rushes forward with his sword but hesitates, thinking maybe he should use the noose. In that moment of hesitation, the dragon breathes fire and burns his right arm. In confusion he looks up and sees his princess waving from the castle window.

                “Use the poison,” she yells. “The noose doesn’t work.”

She throws him the poison, which he pours into the dragon’s mouth, and the dragon dies. Everyone rejoices and celebrates, but the knight feels ashamed. A month later, he goes on another trip. As he leaves his sword, the princess reminds him to be careful, and to bring the noose and the poison He is annoyed by her suggestions but brings them just in case.

This time on his journey, he hears another woman in distress. As he rushes to her call, his depression is lifted and he feels confident and alive. But as he draws his sword to slay the dragon, he again hesitates. He wonders, Should I use my sword, the noose, or the poison? What would the princess say?

For a moment, he is confused. But then he remembers how he had felt back in the days when he only carried a sword. With a burse of renewed confidence, he throws off the noose and poison and charges the dragon with his trusted sword. He slays the dragon and the townspeople rejoice.

The knight in the shining armor never returned to his princess. He stayed in this new village and lived happily ever after. He eventually married, but only after making sure his new partner knew nothing about nooses and poisons.” 

This particular piece in the book won my attention to an extent that I decided to observe further. At first, I took the story literally as if all humans in nature should think and react so. As I saw it that way, negativity was the first belief that echoed in my mind. Why would the knight overreact and whisk away just because the princess introduced him to other alternatives? Did he really think he is the best? Who does he think he is? The poison or the noose could have been a better solution to slay the dragon!

In this context, I implied two misconceptions. First, I did not take into account that it was a book on relationships and second, I took the perspective of the princess solely. If this was a book on human potential elevation and ultimate problem-solving then yes, the knight should have considered the princess’ advice since it could have been a better solution. Just like students and humans in general, one should never stop learning and developing.

But let’s say that “sword” represents “strengths” and he is an intelligent knight. In a literal way, intelligence is the sword. His people and family might consider his intelligence as a strength but it might be considered as a threat by his competitors and the princess, who thinks she is much smarter. Well, this reminds us that in life, we cannot and will not please everybody no matter what. No matter how good and noble our actions are, there is always someone out there who thinks it is a turn off.

Then maybe, that is what happens in love, perhaps. The sword itself is proven to be qualified enough to defy the dragon. If the significant other does not even approve one’s sword, underrate and try to mess it around instead, is it really worth sacrificing the sword? In that case, the knight, whose pride lies on his sword, might think that the princess is not worth it and she is just abusing his self-assurance. Especially, another woman out there is proud of his sword (for who he is). We can just keep in mind that chances are still out there that might be another knight who possesses a noose or poison (which poses as a shining armor for him) and suits the princess better.

On another note, I still believe that as humans, potentials and opportunities are worth exploring. Moreover, if you are truly fond of someone, then you might want the best for him/her and improve yourself. This makes me think that maybe the knight, after living with the other woman, starts to explore more on nooses and poisons just in case something worse is yet to come. However, there are things that you cannot neglect such as your shining armor. No matter what or who you love, your strengths deserve to be acknowledged by people (especially by the people that matters to you) instead of letting them make you think that you are worthless.

I believe that I learned an important lesson here. In the context of love and relationships, it is probably hard to change someone. Love and experience may be the things that shape who we are today (example: The experience of being taught by a teacher, the experience of failing, the experience when you feel inspired, etc). Thus, we should accept and love people for who they are. If there is a saying “accept them for who they are,” then I am starting to believe that it is kinda true. If someone really loves you and is willing to change for the better, then it is good news. But when it is not a happy ending, then there is not much that you can do but there is always a spark of hope that in another timeline, it will be a happy ending. At the end of the day, everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses right?

 

p.s. You might wanna check out John Gray’s Ted Talk “Mars brain, Venus brain..” (link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuM7ZS7nodk)  

Problem Solving: The Not-so-Random "Televator"

Source: RNIB

With 2 mandatory essays (Management and Indonesian Language and Culture (ILC)) to be submitted weekly, I don’t consider myself amounting the same effort for each essay. The essays for Management were supposed to consist of 2 pages, a summary on the first and an opinion on the second. However, ever since the lecturer rephrased somewhere in the 3^rd week that the 2-page essay is “Up to you (the content), as long as it’s no more than 2 page,” I decided not to invest too much time stressing out. 

First of all, I don’t like typing summaries (personal preference) and prefer to jot them down. Second, it's hard for me to express an “opinion” for something I just learned. Thus, this encouraged the idea of doing study cases for the sake of saving time and improving the content quality. Moreover, it made 2-page essays seem less of a tough job.

Since I haven’t written anything for the past 2 weeks due to mid-term exams, I can now capture a quick celebration before it morphs into a slight fear that the lecture materials learned in the past few months will permeate. In retrospect, I opted to open some folders that comprised the essays I wrote so far in this semester.  Among the weekly topics, week four was not meant to be a typical week as it embedded in our daily human experience: decision making.

Various sources show that the average adult make 35,000 decisions each day (yep, Google). In fact, the figures make sense when we compare it with other studies. For instance, Brian Wansink, the John S. Dyson Professor of Marketing and of Applied Economics at Cornell, observed that we tend to make more than 200 food-related decisions. Surprisingly, his respondents thought they only made 15 decisions when it was proven that they account to many more decisions, even when they’re unaware of it.

Decision making attributes to the success of individuals, companies, and even our society, especially when being faced with a situation or a problem. Who we are accumulates our decision making as well: The higher role/status a person holds, the higher degree of responsibility one takes, the more decision one makes. As an example, a businessman decides for his company’s behalf and his family, whereas his son tends to focus on himself. As a result, sometimes it’s more about the quality than just the quantity in order to take precise courses of actions. Thus, it is fair to associate decision making and problem solving.

In the first 2017 edition of Harvard Business Review magazine, there was a fascinating featured article regarding problem solving. Thomas Wedell, who is a consultant and a speaker, wrote about how effective a company is at problem solving. Based on the in-depth research conducted by him and his colleague, Paddy Miller, 85 percent of the surveyed C-suite executives admitted that their companies struggle with problem diagnosis, resulting in a significant higher cost.

Supporting the statement, they provided the case of “the slow elevator.” The issue centered on tenants and people who complain, resulting in an initial assumption of proposing a solution to “make the elevator faster.” With this approach, they can either install new lifts or upgrade the motors although it would be costly and time consuming. Moving on, when managers reframed the problem, they decided that it was not the elevator that needs fixing, it’s how they define the problem itself.

Many times when we fail to put everything in perspective, we find it hard to open to new options. Just like what happened with “the slow elevator,” the objective shifted as they broadened their understanding of the problem. Instead of insisting that the problem lies on the elevator, the new orientation was solving the problem of “waiting too long.” Feasible solutions were then brought to the table such as putting mirrors, hand sanitizers, without having to “make the elevator faster.”

Speaking of elevators, I still remember back in Jakarta, I couldn’t help noticing the televisions inside the elevator or above elevator buttons outside. Skepticism evoked me with WHY entertaining people who are waiting for an elevator matters. You can’t even watch a single Phineas and Ferb episode, such a waste to put TVs in/before an elevator. Having amplified that it’s actually a “cheaper” solution compared to installing new elevators, the what-so-called random phenomenon of “Televator” turned out to be purposeful after all.

As a reflection, reading this article provided me not only with new insights on the implementation of management, but most importantly the stories behind the (it-seems-random) events we encountered in our daily lives. I have come to a realization that misunderstanding and underestimating things shouldn’t be cultivated. To my joy, the article proved a profound point to never stop finding answers and solutions even when it seemed like the end of the tunnel. Just like in business, a lesson can always be ingrained and flourishing is always a possibility, despite the inherently competitive nature.

References:

Lang, Susan S. (2006, December 22). ‘Mindless autopilot’ drives people to dramatically underestimate how many daily food decisions they make, Cornell Study finds. Retrieved from http://news.cornell.edu/stories/2006/12/mindless-autopilot-drives-people-underestimate-food-decisions

Wedell, Thomas. (2017, January). How good is your company at problem solving. Harvard Business Review, 79

Study Plan Card (KRS): The Businessperson and the Economist

We don’t get to pick our boss. But hey, we’re aspiring economists and businesspeople.

Source: Chessdailynews

Yesterday was my first time experiencing the struggle of filling my study plan card (we call this Kartu Rencana Studi or the “KRS” system in Indonesia). Basically, there’s a three-day period every semester when everyone gets to fill their KRS through the internet. This enables us to pick our own courses, lecturers and manage our own schedule within the limited time. Not to mention, it adopts the quota system which emerges a fierce battle among people to enter the overcrowded server and make sure they secure a spot in the classes they fancy.

As a first-timer, I can say that it was quite nerve-wracking, challenging yet interesting. I learned a glimpse of art to get strategies and alternatives prepared: Play the cards well and be swift. In fact, people were aware of reviews, recommendations and tips in the hope of getting on track throughout the semester. Most people, myself included, took them into serious consideration and it effected most of my decisions when I filled the KRS.

I realize that this doesn’t resemble a real life situation, probably no firm out there provides a system that gives the subordinates access to pick their superiors, etc. Yes, you get to choose in which company you want to work but not the consequences that follow. You can probably imagine an unlikely situation that allows the employees to pick in which project/task they want to be involved. However, no one guarantees that you’re going to get a pleasant superior. In some cases, you’ll have to deal with a superior who grants unfair promotions, unfair job divisions or even a superior who’s just being unclear and ambiguous throughout the task.

Tracing back to the present situation, let’s say that the lecturer is the boss. One might think that “It’s different, we get paid in firms but in this case, we’re the ones who pay the tuition fee.” Unfortunately, I believe that my parents pay the tuition fee, not me. I’m just a student who’s eager to earn decent grades and settle in a dream job in the future.

This brings out the economist and businessperson in me. The system may not perfectly resemble the ultimate professional world. However, speaking from the rational side of humans, we don’t really take that into account. I mean, there’s plenty of time to learn that later. Meanwhile, we still need those grades and knowledge right?

(Before continuing, they’re just a few points that I believed I’ve learned, so don’t hesitate to correct me if I’m wrong hahaha)

From a business perspective, this system reminds me about values and motivation. In business, value creation is one of the primary keys: You want to increase your worth. The interesting part is that people have different values and in this case, we get to develop those values within ourselves. What do you value the most? Knowledge? Grades? Interactive learning? Insightful lectures? Gabut? (lol, it means doing literally nothing) But again the choices are on the table and the KRS system allows you to choose classes and lecturers that are in line with your values.

Another point is one of the basic traits of a businessperson: An opportunity seeker with determination and persistence. You are probably that persistent and determined in keeping your values that if they run out of quota for the classes you are about to choose, there’s still another opportunity to obtain them. In the KRS system, there are always possibilities for a barter market where people are willing to trade a class we want with a class they want (since there’s a limited quota for each class).

On another note, the economist in me unleashes another story to tell as well. Think about a few of Mankiw’s 10 principles of economics that can be applicable to this system. For instance, the first principle itself: “People face tradeoffs.” Some of the courses overlap with other courses we are required to take and overlapping might also occur among lecturers we want. This means that we should choose one of them and let the other go. Some are favorable tradeoffs and some are the ones we wish we hadn’t had to make.

Second is the opportunity cost of taking that class. The activities that could've been done with time sacrificed for attending those lectures and the lectures you gave up during the KRS period is a part of the opportunity cost. And last, I’m focusing on the straightforward principle that says “trade can make everyone better off.” Mentioned earlier, this correlates with the trading that might occur during the KRS period.

In conclusion, there’s more to this KRS experience and feel free to think or disagree. Nevertheless, there’s an economist and a businessperson in us and as a result, we have those traits. Now, I’m left with a handful of expectations that the choices I made will turn out okay. Likewise, I’m wishing yours is fine as well. All the best of luck and keep fighting!